My Two Monologues

Oggy Moxon: I'm Oggy Moxon and I'm hard as nails. As marble in church, as concrete on your head, I'm hard. As hard as calculus, as hard as it is learning Hebrew  then I'm hard too. Even Basford knows I'm rock, his cane wilts like a sock, and if any teachers in this shit pot school with their degrees and bad breath lay a finger on me, god be my judge, I'll have their hides, and if not me, our Nobby will be up in this knowledge college in a flash. All the female flesh fancy me in my five-o-ones, no uniform for me, from big Mrs Grimes to pert Miss Prime, I see their eyes flick to my button holed flies. Cause they know like me, that no male teacher on this staff could satisfy them like I could, cause I'm hard all the time. Last Christmas dance me and Miss Prime pranced around to some bullshit track, and my hand slipped down her back, I felt that arse, that school boy wank, that tight buttocked reebok footed leggy arse, i felt that and heard her sigh, for me. In cookery once, my hands were covered in sticky paste, so I asked Mrs Bell the substitute if she could help me get a hanky from my pocket, of course she would, a substitute wanting to help a pupil, not knowing of course my boxers were in the wash and my pockets had holes in. "Oh No" she yelped. but really got herself a thrill. And as I walk my last two terms in this shit pot school full of boredom, I see grown men flinch in fear. So be warned when Oggy Moxon is around, Get out your cigs, and lock up your daughters.

Mark: Parents evening, an Orgy of social embarresment, i love em. It's also a good opportunity to see who has the fittest mum, Jeremy Dorlin's is quite nice, so is Robert Konisbergs, which for an ugly boy comes as quite a pleasant surprise. Best post forty arse in the whole of Edgware. All Christians have ugly mothers, oh except yours I'm sure, and Peter Pillow's, the vicars son, who's mum has the subtle allure of a shaggable nun.  All the asian mums are occasionally horny with the odd fit daughter in tow. The jewish mothers go for the drab but over dressed combo, high heels, stone washed jeans, low cut top, hair curled and dyed red. Leaving only the goldern greeners to dress with any style. The fathers fall into two groups, brown and white, other than that their quite indistinguishable. The Christian fathers  divide into groups, Volvo drivers- Classy, BMW drivers- Yobs made good. My dad never listens to the interview, he spends all night flicking through my form list seeing who he is going to pump into next, besides my school work is always good. My dad's only said one thing to me after parents evening, never become a teacher.